Hard-working person needed to toss dreams, aspirations, and sense of self out the window in order to provide constant care for needy children. Duties include wiping up repugnant bodily emissions, fostering self-esteem in others, constant cleaning that will be immediately undone, and problem solving that could include but is not limited to infantile bargaining, blackmail, public tantrums, and high decibel wailing. Applicant must own large, unsexy vehicle with too many cup holders and ample trunk space. Must be willing to cut close ties with friends and family and suffer severe marital discord. This position offers no pay, yet candidate is expected to fork out money for countless, overpriced, unnecessary child-related consumer goods. Experience not necessary, but ability to convey resentment and selflessness simultaneously is a must.